RT if you know someone like this!!!
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope