Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
just gave your address to some spiders
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house