defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I only treason on days ending in y
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out