Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Merry Christmas
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
drew a comic about my origin story
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you