ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Gods work.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.