Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.