Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.