If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
just make the entire table out of coaster
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest