[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”