The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
welcome back
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right