Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.