[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Interior design 👌
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it