Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES