My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
(Gaming support cat.)
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“Why you watching this shit?”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too