Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.