When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Butt weight. There’s more!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move