My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
any last words?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Are you ok, human???
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.