If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.