We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.