HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.