Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up