You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”