People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My sex drive has a dui
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?