Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
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HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
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Whitesnake: Not you
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The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
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Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Me: No.
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Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
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Me: *wolf whistles*