Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime