APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual