My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You Might Also Like
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.