On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
You Might Also Like
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.