I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”