Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You Might Also Like
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.