I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.