the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Best spot.. 😅
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you