Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Sell your car
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on