Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.