“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*