Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”