why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me logging onto twitter
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.