Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You Might Also Like
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
No, I don’t think I will.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”