playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.