Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
one last job
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10