The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair