i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing