There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.