The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My favorite female superhero
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.