Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
me, too, girl. me, too.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again