How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
A family that plays together cheats.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.