Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You Might Also Like
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
selfie game
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …