Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
You Might Also Like
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.