The game has officially changed 馃槑
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Put my back out twerking in the library again
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child鈥檚 future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.