[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.